Take off your clothes and grab your camera. Naked photos of yourself are a surefire way to get lots of online friends really fast. Change your profile pic to something nearly naked. Be careful not to show all the goods in your profile pic as you may get removed from the hosting social site. Try bending over in a pair of thong underwear, for example. Clearly, you have clothing on . I can see the tiny fabric triangle up there. Once you have your profile photo up and running, take off that thong and post lots of your nakedness on your tumblr, your blogspot, wordpress, wherever, and then link everyone to your site. Voilà! Instant popularity. Lots of creepy perverts are now your friends! Hooray!
Step Number Two: SEX
Now that you are naked, the next logical step is sex. Talk about it. A lot. Tweet, Update Your Status, Write a Poem, Make a Joke, Post a Blog, etc. Tell everyone about the sex you used to have, the sex you want to have, the sex you have with yourself, the sex you will never have, the STD you have, the burning, the itching, the funny sex anecdote you have. (You can pretend to talk about the sex you ARE having, but face it, we know that's not happening.) Talking about sex will remind people that you are often naked and they will remember that they, too, enjoy the sex and the nakedness and they will never leave your virtual side.
Step Number Three: BE HILARIOUS
Tell lots of jokes. Lame jokes, forced jokes, unfunny jokes, jokes about your mom, jokes about your coffee, jokes about your mom's coffee. Please remember to make a LOT of jokes about sex because people enjoy always being reminded of sex. It really makes no difference if your jokes are funny or clever because there are a lot of dumbass people who will find you amusing regardless.
Step Number Four: HARASS CELEBRITIES
Making stuff up is a great way to wow and impress the internet community. Tell them about the time you played paintball with the Dalai Lama, the trophy you won strutting your stuff in the Sexy Surgeons Fashion Show, the time you had to crawl ON. YOUR. FACE! uphill in sewage to save that baby monkey! Remind them you got 3rd Honorable Mention on your 2nd grade drawing of a Rainbow Unicorn. (oh, wait, that was true. hmm. Well, remind them anyway.) If you can't think of anything else really cool and impressive to make up, then move on to Step Number Six.
Step Number Six: COPY PEOPLE
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? That's what they say. (I say it is the sincerest form of assholery, but potato, potahto.) Once you have exhausted your own capabilities to think of awesome stories (i.e., lies), start stealing awesome stories from others! Now, the trick with copying is to fool people into thinking you have your very own clever thoughts and anecdotes. This is key. The easiest way to begin stealing things is to open several accounts on various sites, making sure none of your followers, friends, etc. overlap. That way, you can steal things from each site and pass them off as your own on the others! Brilliant! No one ever has to know you are not smart, thoughtful or clever! Hooray!! For example: Steal funny, interesting and/or insightful tweets from your timeline and post them as your own words on Facebook! Seeee? EASY.
Step Number Seven: JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP
Now, lots of people very legitimately have diseases and disorders. For real. For really real. And, that sucks. Being online can be an amazing resource for people suffering from any number of ailments, as they can connect with a community of like sufferers. Good, good. All good. Step Number Seven is not for those people. It is for the rest of us. Those of us who JUST WANT TO BE COOL AND POPULAR. Right? So, if people who actually have an illness can make tons of friends just discussing said illness, it only stands to reason that if you pretend YOU also have this illness, people will friend you, too. Attention Whore it up! You will have tons of friends in no time! Added bonus: Lots of sympathy and praise. How DO you manage to be so amazing?
Step Number Eight: I forget what eight was for
Step Number Nine: SING YOUR PRAISES!
Online, it is important to tell people how amazing you are, every day. Over and over. They don't know! Please, please make sure they know. This is simple, easy and time efficient. Just remember to get online at least once a day and post something about why you are totally THE MOST. Being THE MOST means just that. You are the most giving, the most loving, the most amazing, the most funny, the most feeling, the most deserving, the most brilliant, the most. (Incidentally, if you are the most, you are also by default, the best.)
Yay! Winning.
If all else fails, just buy yourself some followers / friends. It worked for that nerdy guy in Can't Buy Me Love. I know it was the 80's then, and there was big hair and all, but I think it's still a solid plan.
Now, go get 'em, tiger.
WARNING: The author of this post is neither cool nor popular.
