How To Be Totally Cool and Popular Online

Getting online for the purpose of being totally cool and radically popular can be a daunting task.  You may ask yourself, "What do I need to do to gain popularity?", "How do I trick people into believing I am super cool?"  Well, I have done a lot of research into the subject just for you.

Step Number One: GET NAKED
Take off your clothes and grab your camera. Naked photos of yourself are a surefire way to get lots of online friends really fast. Change your profile pic to something nearly naked. Be careful not to show all the goods in your profile pic as you may get removed from the hosting social site. Try bending over in a pair of thong underwear, for example. Clearly, you have clothing on . I can see the tiny fabric triangle up there. Once you have your profile photo up and running, take off that thong and post lots of your nakedness on your tumblr, your blogspot, wordpress, wherever, and then link everyone to your site. Voilà! Instant popularity. Lots of creepy perverts are now your friends! Hooray!

Step Number Two: SEX
Now that you are naked, the next logical step is sex. Talk about it. A lot. Tweet, Update Your Status, Write a Poem, Make a Joke, Post a Blog, etc. Tell everyone about the sex you used to have, the sex you want to have, the sex you have with yourself, the sex you will never have, the STD you have, the burning, the itching, the funny sex anecdote you have. (You can pretend to talk about the sex you ARE having, but face it, we know that's not happening.) Talking about sex will remind people that you are often naked and they will remember that they, too, enjoy the sex and the nakedness and they will never leave your virtual side.

Step Number Three: BE HILARIOUS
Tell lots of jokes. Lame jokes, forced jokes, unfunny jokes, jokes about your mom, jokes about your coffee, jokes about your mom's coffee. Please remember to make a LOT of jokes about sex because people enjoy always being reminded of sex. It really makes no difference if your jokes are funny or clever because there are a lot of dumbass people who will find you amusing regardless.

Step Number Four: HARASS CELEBRITIES

Contact famous people often to remind them how you are exactly the same as they are. We all know you and Ashton would TOTALLY be BFFs if he just got to know you. Let Dave Navarro know you, too, are a super sexy rock god man whore. Remind Charlie Sheen that you are also Bi-Winning. "Hey, Charlie Sheen! I, TOO, bang 7gram rocks! That's how I. Roll. TOO!! Meeeeee, tooooo!! C'mon bro, I got tiger blood." If Charlie does not respond to this, he probably just didn't see it. Keep trying. (Incidentally, I was born in the Year of the Tiger. So, Charlie Sheen and I? Best. Friends. 4EVER.)

Step Number Five: MAKE STUFF UP
Making stuff up is a great way to wow and impress the internet community. Tell them about the time you played paintball with the Dalai Lama, the trophy you won strutting your stuff in the Sexy Surgeons Fashion Show, the time you had to crawl ON. YOUR. FACE! uphill in sewage to save that baby monkey! Remind them you got 3rd Honorable Mention on your 2nd grade drawing of a Rainbow Unicorn. (oh, wait, that was true. hmm. Well, remind them anyway.) If you can't think of anything else really cool and impressive to make up, then move on to Step Number Six.

Step Number Six: COPY PEOPLE
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? That's what they say. (I say it is the sincerest form of assholery, but potato, potahto.) Once you have exhausted your own capabilities to think of awesome stories (i.e., lies), start stealing awesome stories from others! Now, the trick with copying is to fool people into thinking you have your very own clever thoughts and anecdotes. This is key. The easiest way to begin stealing things is to open several accounts on various sites, making sure none of your followers, friends, etc. overlap. That way, you can steal things from each site and pass them off as your own on the others! Brilliant! No one ever has to know you are not smart, thoughtful or clever! Hooray!! For example: Steal funny, interesting and/or insightful tweets from your timeline and post them as your own words on Facebook! Seeee? EASY.

Step Number Seven: JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP

"Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too." -Fight Club
 
Now, lots of people very legitimately have diseases and disorders. For real. For really real. And, that sucks. Being online can be an amazing resource for people suffering from any number of ailments, as they can connect with a community of like sufferers. Good, good. All good. Step Number Seven is not for those people. It is for the rest of us. Those of us who JUST WANT TO BE COOL AND POPULAR. Right? So, if people who actually have an illness can make tons of friends just discussing said illness, it only stands to reason that if you pretend YOU also have this illness, people will friend you, too. Attention Whore it up! You will have tons of friends in no time! Added bonus: Lots of sympathy and praise. How DO you manage to be so amazing?

Step Number Eight: I forget what eight was for

Step Number Nine: SING YOUR PRAISES!
Online, it is important to tell people how amazing you are, every day. Over and over. They don't know! Please, please make sure they know. This is simple, easy and time efficient. Just remember to get online at least once a day and post something about why you are totally THE MOST. Being THE MOST means just that. You are the most giving, the most loving, the most amazing, the most funny, the most feeling, the most deserving, the most brilliant, the most. (Incidentally, if you are the most, you are also by default, the best.)
Yay! Winning.

Step Number Ten: PAY PAL
If all else fails, just buy yourself some followers / friends. It worked for that nerdy guy in Can't Buy Me Love. I know it was the 80's then, and there was big hair and all, but I think it's still a solid plan.








Now, go get 'em, tiger. 


WARNING: The author of this post is neither cool nor popular.

CARP IT UP

Ian caught a carp once. It was the first fish he ever caught. Then, he attached it to a rope and drug it around for a while, because he thought it was awesome. In the end, Ian bashed his catch with a rock.

Carp, like the one Ian enjoyed torturing and bashing to death, are oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Although, Ian caught HIS fish in a small town in Wyoming. Go figure. In Europe, carp fishing is the most popular freshwater fishing sport. In 1952, Richard Walker was propelled to major fame when he caught a 44lb common carp. Remember him??! Of course you do. In 2006, Al St. Cyr won $250,000 after catching a 43.18lb carp in Austin, Texas. It is rumored that Richard Walker was really pissed at the news. I mean, come on! All that money for a measly 43lbs.? fuggedaboutit.

In recent news, Asian Carp have been lurking around trying to crash some fish parties in the Great Lakes. These pushy, overbearing carp are notorious over-eaters and the native fish are concerned they will not have enough plankton dip to accommodate these big mouthed bullies. The presence of these carp are also a blatant attack on the Lakes' $7billion fishing industry. [Please Note: Asian Carp are not, however, involved with phishing attacks. Or ARE they? hmm..] "Sorry you're not on the list." isn't working so people are trying to give Asian carp the hint to take a leap elsewhere with the use of netting and electric stunning prods, even though EVERYONE in Illinois knows you can't catch carp with nets or electro-fishing. Duh.

Carp: –verb (used without object)

1.

to find fault or complain querulously or unreasonably; be niggling in criticizing; cavil: to carp at minor errors.

–noun

2.

a peevish complaint.

In "Barbie: The Princess and the Pauper", Madam Carp is an evil, slave-driving, dress emporium owner. Coincidence? I think not. In the "Exorcist III", a carp in the bathtub, awaiting its fate as dinner, prevents Dt. Kinderman from bathing and going home on time. In "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief", Stan Carp plays the apropos part of "Old Fisherman". Translated to Albanian, "carp" = "krap". In "The Little Mermaid", carp play the harp. THIS guy's Dwarf Fortress was attacked by carp! (This video will blow you away.)

Sometimes, people contract Carp Mouth or even Confluent And Reticulate Papillomatosis (CARP). The Magikarp Pokemon has splashing power to leap over mountains and can survive in highly polluted waters, but is pathetically weak and only flops around in battle. Also, around level 20, he will evolve in to Garydos (in case you were wondering). The Deftones wrote a song called, "Street Carp" about a guy who can't remember his own address and a girl with sharp, gold teeth who hates walls. Boaters are generally scared of carp because they leap out of the water and collide with their boats.

Tom Felton is quoted as saying, "I used to have some fish, some nice little carp, but they got too big for the tank. I don't have any pets now."

Edward Lear wrote this limerick: "There was a Young Lady of Welling,

Whose praise all the world was a telling;
She played on the harp,
and caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

You can make your own homemade carp boilies IF you are not a bait snob.

Common Address Redundancy Protocol (CARP) enables multiple hosts to share the same IP address. CARP was started as an alternative to VRRP, probably because it is easier to say. Yet, the Copyright Arbitration Royalty Panels (CARP) were phased out in 2004 because of the enactment of the Copyright Royalty & Distribution Reform Act (CRDRA), which is clearly much more difficult to say. CARP can stand for Chemical Agent Resistant Point or Citizens Against Racism & Prejudice. CARP is also the acronym for Calculated Air Release Point, which I'm pretty sure is some sort of secret center focusing on strategic farting techniques. According to "The Weekenders", CARP stands for Cool And Radically Popular, but I'm not sure that's correct.

A carp CHUB is totally not what you think it is and the YouTube video "Carp Gone Crazy" is really nothing like "Girls Gone Wild". Fisherman benefit from the use of a Carp Unhooking Mat, which is entirely different from the Carp Hooking Up Mat. (But, we don't talk about that.) In some parts of the world, carp are dying off because of Koi Herpes. Oh, carp.

The world's largest carp, caught by Thai fishermen, weighed 260lbs. (Eat that, Richard Walker!) The song, "If I Were a Carp" from the "Final Fantasy" album "He Poos Clouds" contains the lyrics, "The horizon is our proscenium!" which makes it a popular and catchy sing-a-long tune for parties and car rides. In 2008, a Holy Infant student won the CARP quiz. ....yep.

Here is a joke about carp: Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.

Ahhhh... good stuff.

In Poland, it is traditional to eat carp on Christmas Eve, although the general consensus is that carp tastes like river bottom. The most repeated carp recipe is to cook your carp on a heavily seasoned hickory board. Then, throw away the carp and eat the board. However, you can find several websites with tastier recipes than that. One such recipe includes a reminder to "remove the intestines" and suggests serving your carp in a gravy boat. (Presentation makes all the difference!) In response to the query: "Is there any way to cook this fish so it's actually eatable?" on Polish Forums, z_darius responded with the sound advice to keep your carp in fresh water without feeding it for a few days prior to cooking in order to "help the fish crap out all the mud it normally is plugged with". Mmmm... Carp for dinner, anyone?

My conclusion is this: People in Japan like carp windsocks and also carp tattoos. You should totally buy this sexy t-shirt --->

AND.. Carp enjoy harp playing, but they still suck (literally - check those mouths!), which is why people like to shoot them with arrows. Also, this man is a total badass.

CARP IT UP, PEOPLE!